Depression

For years, since my mother died, I have hated summer time. It's something a lot of people don't understand because my birthday is in the middle of the summer..... As is my mothers death. It's been 5 years and those wounds are still fresh. And I hurt so badly it makes my tears cry. I just want my mom back. That's all. I just want my mom

Reflection

Thinking a lot about me. What is wrong. My mistakes. My life is a work of art but there are a lot of erase lines and cracks in it. I know what I need to do next. I just am a little afraid to do so. 

Keep me in your prayers

My life

Well since my last entry a few things have happened 

I'm almost one year out of residency. Time flies so fast. I'm at a nice clinic and I love my staff. It has it's ups and downs but what job doesn't?

The boyfriend. Now an ex boyfriend. He hit me. We went on vacation, I said something out of line. That lead to an argument and him putting his hands on me. Hurting me. Not caring if I was ok. I actually remained with him for about a week and a half but I couldn't. As much as I used to love him, that's how much I hate him now. Hasn't even been 2 months and he has a new woman in his life. If she ever reads this, he isn't ok. He's a good man with a bad problem. Bad enough to make him the ugliest person I've ever dealt with. Maybe he will treat you better.... But he hit his ex wife, he hit me and you might be next. Or maybe not. Either way.... I'm happy to be away from him. I'd rather be alone than abused

Well I'm gonna try to be more active on this blog and my food blog. Take care and love like there's no tomorrow cause there might not be. 

- Yuli 

Whirlwind

Since my last post, things went crazy

I found out my loving wonderful boyfriend has been talking to other women online. Women he hasn't met in person or had sex with, but he's sent them photos and sexual videos. This lead to a fight. A big fight. One that left me in a state of paralysis and stupidity. I knew if it were one of my friends, I'd say to leave him. No questions asked, done deal, the end. But it's me, and honestly..... I really think he is sorry. Our argument replays in my head over and over. The woman he did the things with is very nice and didn't make a scene when she showed me evidence of his dealings. Right now, all I know is I love him. I want things to go back to the way they were. Do I wait around and risk being a fool again..... Or do I swallow my love and make a clean break

I gotta see this one through. I love him. 

A vent

So over the past few days the man I'm in a relationship with has come to visit me. I can't be happier that he's here.... But last night he dropped a bomb on me. He told me that despite his wishes he will not be able to move in with me. 

Now.... You may be wondering why on earth is this upsetting. I am a traditional woman only in a few ways. One of which is to be married before I live with a man. However, my current boyfriend.... God knows I love him. And I want nothing more than to be with this man and grow old with him. So I let my guard down and allowed myself to get excited about having him with me. Then this happens. If anything I am scolding myself for getting my hopes up. He wants to work to be more financially stable, I get that. I support that. His money does not matter to me.... But it does to him. I see why some men get concerned when their woman is more successful than them. They feel a need to catch up. I also see why some women date men just as successful as they are.... So they don't have to slow down. I love this man and until I find out love isn't enough, I'm not going anywhere. 

Sunday night thoughts

I usually spend Sunday nights watching tv or studying. Tonight is no different. Weekends go by so freaking quick. All the time. Then Monday arrives and time moves backwards. I really can't wait to see my boyfriend again. Usually weeks to months go by, each set of time it gets more and more difficult. I don't even know when I'll see him again. Hopefully soon cause I really miss him

I've been studying for boards. I'm sick to death of it. November 8 is the test day. I gotta pass. I need this for my career and more importantly for myself.  

Alone

Every since the death of my mother, I have been alone. And I didn't  like it, but I got used to it. It's what makes weekends on the couch saying and doing nothing so easy. Why I never felt the pressure to get married, only the annoying nagging sensation that I'm not supposed to marry because God did not make a person for me. It's what makes the thought of me possibly never being able to have kids bearable. Then by mistake, I found it. Presented to me in the package of a beautiful, brave, stubborn, southern man. I can't imagine a life without him by my side. My brain tells me that feeling this way about another person is not logical and will lead to pain. My heart says, "fuck you brain"...... Not too long ago I fucked up because I behaved as if I were still alone. He didn't leave. In fact he loved me harder because he coulda walked away but he stayed. If he ever reads this, I love you..... And because of you, I don't want to be alone anymore

Longer time

Time again has passed. Sorry if any one is still reading. The things in my life that have happened.... Man. Too many to write at once. There's personal and there's career and then the bitch in my head that causes my confidence to hit the floor. I try to sedate her fairly often but it doesn't always work. 

I have finished residency and I'm working in a small clinic in rural Arkansas. My job is awesome. The nurses are more than helpful. 

My love life flipped upside down, turned inside out and now I'm with ..... We'll call him B. He's been in my life since last December. Innocent friendship that turned into a person I don't see myself without him. 

My talks with myself are 50 shades of fucked up. I beat myself down. Criticize the lovely me I am. Ill get better.... After I stop hating me and write more 

Been over a year.....

Nobody is reading this anymore, so its just a way for me to vent. I think that this is like writing to an unknown best friend....one who just listens.....I think writing by month would work best

April 2010 - I finished up my last month of medical school. Bought a home in the city I now live in. It was a month preparing for my future and enjoying my last month as a student. There was a gala where a guy.....we'll call him W (not the president) came to visit me.....He was amazing the whole time. Helped me clean my home, we shared our first kiss.....it was awesome......I began to fall for this man by the time he left

May 2010 - graduation from medical school, traveled to new orelans, miami, and ....

June 2010 - to North carolina and saw W. Again....the act of just seeing this man.....damn I was falling in love with him by this time

July 2010 - residency began. many many hours of work

August - nov 2010 - The work continued, I found that I had less and less contact with W. A trip there in early November 2010 which resparked the flame for me.....and I begged him to communicate or else I'm not going to be there anymore.

Dec 2010 - Jan 2011 - worked christmas, began to plan for a vacation with W....one that would be in my favorite city....New Orleans during valentine's day

Feb 2011 - stood up on the trip.....relationship with W ended

More to come

Passed

Hello to all of you movers and shakers.

So this will be rather quick because I have a meeting in like a few minutes. But I did wanna go over a few things that have been going on.

I have since retaken both CK and CS and as of TODAY I found out I have passed them both!!!!

Mom's been dead 8 months and in some ways its getting easier, in some ways, the pain gets worse each day. April 9th would've been her birthday.

Dad is dating the woman he's been screwing around on my mom with for years. To say the least, she makes my blood boil.

Single....not looking for the one, but I am talking to some people

Hopefully I will be back soon to update you more!

The elevator

The wedding was just too much for her to handle....
The idea of being a bridesmaid in the wedding of the man
SHE wanted to marry turned her stomach
So she strayed away to the elevator and pushed the call button
The wedding party stood around outside, no doubt wondering where she was
She texted her fellow wedding party member
And informed her that the milk she put in her coffee
Had done some damage
The reply was and LOL and a take your time.
Ding.....The doors sweep open and she grabs
The billowing dress and climbs on board
As the door closes she turns her back and puts her head on the cool marble
"What the fuck was I thinking.....I must like pain"
She says to nobody...A few seconds pass before she realizes
She's not going up or down
Before she could rest the button with the number 20 on it
Ding....."Shit" she says and turns to meet who has interrupted her
Tranquility....and it was him..........She freezes
His eyes locked with hers as he steps on board
And pushes the button to send them to the 20th floor.....
Her hearts pounding, she'd been playing with the idea of telling him
What he already knew...
"I....." she starts....then stops.
He turns.....looks at her.....and hits the emergency stop button
In a moment he has closed the space between them from feet to inches
"I love you.....I've always loved you....." she breathes out finally
She backs away til she feels cold marble on her back
He remains silent, looking at her with eyes that would make
The Arctic Circle melt into a paradise
He moves so close to her that he can count her eyelashes
"....I love you......I miss you......" he says and seals his words
With a kiss that combined with a candle would light the flame
They've hidden for years
Suddenly her eyes snap open, pushes him away
Then pushes the emergency lock back into place
She turns to fix his tux and then pushes 20 then 1
The elevator slowly ascends then he speaks,
"Is this not what you want....."
She takes the deepest breath of her life and turns to him,
"Sex isn't enough.....hearing you say you love me isn't doing either one of us any good"
He runs his fingers through his dreds and looks at her
"I thought you said you loved me"
Ding...the door the the 20th floor opens and she begins to walk out
She stops midway through the door
And without turning around she speaks
"I love you.....I love you enough to let you go."
He stands against the wall of the elevator as she begins to walk away
Shoulders straight, hair bouncing, heels clicking, dress swaying....
The doors begin to close leaving him to look in the shinny reflection of himself
And realizes for the first time
How much being in love sucks.

Update.....

Well a few things have happened since my last post.

I did not pass my board exam. I was more pissed at myself than sad. I'm studying for it again. I know I will pass.

I am still dating Y. Again, I dunno how serious this will become but I do like him quite a bit.

I really do miss my mom. Its thanksgiving and I have alot to be thankful for....just hard to put it into words right now

Been a while....if anyone is still reading....

Hello to all......or anyone who still reads this.

Well the last post I put up was about my mother, O and L.....

Since mama's death, things have been rough for me. I mean I function in clinic and smile and all that shit.....but I think of her everyday. All the time. I miss her alot. I sometimes go and smell a jacket of hers that I have. Never notice things like that until you don't have them around anymore. The holidays are approaching and if I had it my way, I would sleep through the entire time. I have gotten several invitations to come to people's homes to eat, but I don't know if I can fake it that much. As of right now I plan to cook for myself and stay in my apartment.

O and I stopped the romance and are strictly friends now

L ....we're over. The day after my boards he informed me that he couldn't deal with the possibility of me leaving and going someplace else for residency. Afterwards he stood me up at several things he promised to be at just as a friend. I can do bad by myself, so I haven't talked to him. He has texted and IMed me several times, but I just don't have anything to say.

Y.....This is a new guy to the blog, but I've known him for years. I used to date a frat brother of his, but it wasn't very serious.....ok, it was just sex. Anyway, when Y and I met, we didn't really get along. A few weeks ago though we started talked via IM and decided to go out on a date. To my surprise, some sparks few. So he and I have been seeing each other for a while now. He's not an official boyfriend, but I don't plan on entertaining other people for right now.

As I said, I took my board exam on Oct 23rd. I don't have my score yet, but I think I passed. I walked out feeling like I passed and the doubt that I presently have is due to nerves. I just need to see PASS. I don't really care about the score.

Residency interviews have begun. I have 5, 2 of which I've already attended. Next one is at the end of the month.

Well I hope this update filled you all in. Please feel free to comment. Talk to you all soon

A mixed bag

Quite a few things have gone on since I've last blogged

July 25th - My mother lost her battle with colon cancer and died at 11:47am. It was heart wrenching, I was by her side when she took her last breath. She did not wanna die in the hospital and so she died at home, in her bed surrounded by her children and her husband. I miss her so badly...I still look for her to call me at times. I miss her cooking, her smell, her lipstick on my face after she gives me a kiss....its hard....its real hard folks.

In the world of my men only two exist: O and L....

O and I are still carrying on regular conversations. I really care about him....hell I love him....but I don't know if I can fall in love with him anymore. The way he did me on my birthday....i still haven't really forgiven. Besides, he enjoys being single...who am I to take that from him. At the same time...I'd be a fool to wait.....

L and I met face to face about a month or so ago. He's a great guy...I really like him alot....but I'm not trying to get attached to him....not working too well for me though.

I'm working OB nights....somebody else needs the computer.

More later

Changes like a mutha

Well alot has gone on lately. First off I'm now 26 years old. My birthday was cool. Got my license renewed, got my BLS recertified, and got my nails done. Then when I got home, I found out that my plans....which were at least a month in the making.......with O fell through. I had been on the line of whether or not to persue something more serious than a friendship with this man......I got my answer

I have officially kicked D to the curb. He got all mad....what a baby. How you gonna get mad when the person you keep hurting finally says....ok no more.

B and I are gonna have lunch on Friday. I hope that's not gonna be a mistake.

Keep reading bitches!!!

Back at it again

Good day people,
I know its been a while but I usually don't have alot of time in front of a PC anymore. Here's a quick update.....

O and I have had some ups and downs but we are still dating. He enjoys being single....and he don't wanna give that up. Truthfully, I kinda enjoy the single life too. The option of stability with us don't seem good right now, but things might change.

M called me the other day......wanted to come by. I laughed

B has been texting me......ugh....wasting my time

The update....again

Soooooooooo....I know its been a while. Let's see where to start.

Mama is slowing down little by little. She's very skinny and can't even lift cups full of water. She's still got her spirit and her smile. Those things keep me going. Hell I have to hold onto something. I really feel like my world is literally falling apart around me. The pain, if I allowed myself to feel it, would probably kill me.

There's this girl. We'll call her F. F and I had been talking casually since Jan. of this year. We never got together because she seemed to make excuse after excuse for not wanting to get together with me. Well recently, she calls and texts me almost daily. She's cool as a friend, but that's it......but she is fine.

O and I are still talking. I don't know how to describe what we have. Definitely a strong friendship but our feelings are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past friends. I think of him all the time. For the last week its been raining everynight and I just hug my pillow and wish it were him...I am so scared because with school and residency search and mama being sick and .....well you get the point....I'm not the most emotionally stable woman on earth. I don't want to drag him into my sick sad world, get used to him being there, and then he leaves when things get difficult.

I'm gonna fall for him if I'm not more careful.....

The unexpected....

So.....I'm into O. Alot. I've gone down to visit to his house and its just so comfy to me. His couch is wonderful and when we both lay on it....its heaven. I didn't wanna leave. From the meal we shared at the KKK burger joint to the unexpected trip to the top of a mountain....My weekend was unexpectedly beautiful...

been a while...few changes

Hey folks....

Sorry I've been gone so long. Alot has been going on.....

First, my mother's cancer has returned and it has spread through her body. Its affecting her thought processes and the things she says. She's so skinny....its tough to be at home with her. I mean, there are family members there.....but I don't feel comfortable. I miss my mama.....I am holding it together....but only by a string.

D and I had a come to Jesus talk and we've decided that it is best if we let each other heal. Its not gonna work for me or him....we're still friends...

I remeet a guy. We'll call him O. O and I met years and years ago. We lost touch and then reconnected. I really enjoy talking to him....admittedly more than I thought I would. I think he's one of the coolest guys I've conversated with in a long time....I just had to open up a bit and allow him in. Granted, I'm still closed...but we've shared a kiss.....several.....and all of them were.....whew.......

Tomorrow I hit Mexico. Pray for me. More blogs later

Figured I'd use a happy color. I PASSED MY BOARDS GOOOOOOOO MEEEEEEEEEEEE

Now that I got that outta my system...I texted my ex and told him that I passed. He congradulated me. I shoulda said, "I passed without your useless ass you son of a bitch."....but I didn't

D and I spent valentine day together. I cooked dinner and he brought movies and flowers. Dinner was awesome and the movie we watched was sooooooo good. Then I got sooooo sleepy....sleep by 10. Lame huh? Well he just held me the whole night. Woke up in his arms, kissed his cheek and went back to sleep for a while. It was a good one....still think the holiday is useless though.

E has explained to me that he is just going through alot right now and that the way he handles it is by shutting himself off. I can only accept that, but it don't make things any better. I'm still upset with him.

I'm bout half sleep in clinic. I really need to take a nap....just not on my patients...

ttyl