Hey readers,
I hope everyone had a good weekend. I certainly did. I got alot of rest and got to hang out with my two homies. I also got the money to pay my rent....although my refund check is STILL MIA. But at any rate, I feel good, no GREAT this morning.
I like this new feeling...happiness :)
Monday, January 12, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The talk with Him
So last night I cried. I cried for about 30 minutes over everything that's been going on lately. All the stressors and the pain had me in a depression like I haven't felt in months...hell if ever. I was gonna go to church last night, but I just laid on the couch and cried....
So after my crying was over I found myself drifting off to sleep. I woke up at 3 am with a crick in my neck so I went and got in my bed. I then woke up at 7:30 and talked to God. I told him all my pain, sorrow, anger, all of it. Then I just laid there, then he spoke. I don't know if any of yall ever heard God speak but lemme tell you it will freak you out. He told me that I didn't lose things, they were removed so I could reach my potential. I was assured I'm on the right track and that He's there and will never leave me.
Do you know how much comfort that brings? I silently praised God yesterday for the blessings I received but I'm not gonna be silent anymore. God is the most amazing God ever. I woke up this morning and I had peace. PEACE....I usually don't recover from things like this so quick and to be honest, the wounds are still open. But I have peace with my purpose, peace with solitude, and peace within me that I'm a good person and God will never leave me alone.
So after my crying was over I found myself drifting off to sleep. I woke up at 3 am with a crick in my neck so I went and got in my bed. I then woke up at 7:30 and talked to God. I told him all my pain, sorrow, anger, all of it. Then I just laid there, then he spoke. I don't know if any of yall ever heard God speak but lemme tell you it will freak you out. He told me that I didn't lose things, they were removed so I could reach my potential. I was assured I'm on the right track and that He's there and will never leave me.
Do you know how much comfort that brings? I silently praised God yesterday for the blessings I received but I'm not gonna be silent anymore. God is the most amazing God ever. I woke up this morning and I had peace. PEACE....I usually don't recover from things like this so quick and to be honest, the wounds are still open. But I have peace with my purpose, peace with solitude, and peace within me that I'm a good person and God will never leave me alone.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
My day so far
So....to the surprise of many....including myself, I've chosen to give up sex until I feel I'm with a man who truly deserves it. I've had the feeling to do it for months, but I thought I had found my husband so I thought it was ok. Apparently not...So since I'm alone I figured no better time than the present...
So why have all of these guys come out of the wood works trying to have sex with me?
One guy, we'll call him A, used to kick it with me for a while. I was pretty stupid for him. He didn't live in town so I would drive to see him, we'd fuck, and I'd go home. At the end of the day I still wasn't his girl and he could do what he wanted. Now, 2 years later, he comes from whatever rock he's under and wants to "get together". Ok, first off, there has only been on instance since we met that sex did not happen, so I know he just wants to fuck. I told him about my promise to myself to which he replied "I see." So...I'm reading his text, laughing, and then ask him where will he meet me at. That threw him off because I used to just go pick him up and we'd go wherever and then I'd take him back. He said he'd get back to me and I informed him that he should tell me by 3 or else I'll assume he's busy. He got MAD. LOL. All up in his lil feelings. So he's mad and I'm laughin....
The next guy, M, and I haven't messed around for years, almost 4 years. In short, he's a whore. Once I found out he was a whore, I took my genitals outta harms way. In the past 4 years, he's gotten and given STDs, made a child, and is now STILL in college. You may be thinking....why the fuck did Yolanda fuck that?!?? The answer is I was lonely. Anyway we lost contact and now he's back, nasty as ever and he wants me to drive to his house and spend the weekend with him. I told him about my commitment and he was like, "Well if you get here and change your mind, its cool with me.." LOL, LMBAO. This negro is serious. Like for real! sigh.....
The last guy is cool. E. I've known him for about 4 years. We've never dated b/c of distance. He's in medical school but he's not in my class. Like me he's not having sex until he's in a committed relationship. Dream guy....but he and I are forever doomed to be friends. Sigh
Well I'm hungry and didn't have a patient today. See you readers tomorrow
So why have all of these guys come out of the wood works trying to have sex with me?
One guy, we'll call him A, used to kick it with me for a while. I was pretty stupid for him. He didn't live in town so I would drive to see him, we'd fuck, and I'd go home. At the end of the day I still wasn't his girl and he could do what he wanted. Now, 2 years later, he comes from whatever rock he's under and wants to "get together". Ok, first off, there has only been on instance since we met that sex did not happen, so I know he just wants to fuck. I told him about my promise to myself to which he replied "I see." So...I'm reading his text, laughing, and then ask him where will he meet me at. That threw him off because I used to just go pick him up and we'd go wherever and then I'd take him back. He said he'd get back to me and I informed him that he should tell me by 3 or else I'll assume he's busy. He got MAD. LOL. All up in his lil feelings. So he's mad and I'm laughin....
The next guy, M, and I haven't messed around for years, almost 4 years. In short, he's a whore. Once I found out he was a whore, I took my genitals outta harms way. In the past 4 years, he's gotten and given STDs, made a child, and is now STILL in college. You may be thinking....why the fuck did Yolanda fuck that?!?? The answer is I was lonely. Anyway we lost contact and now he's back, nasty as ever and he wants me to drive to his house and spend the weekend with him. I told him about my commitment and he was like, "Well if you get here and change your mind, its cool with me.." LOL, LMBAO. This negro is serious. Like for real! sigh.....
The last guy is cool. E. I've known him for about 4 years. We've never dated b/c of distance. He's in medical school but he's not in my class. Like me he's not having sex until he's in a committed relationship. Dream guy....but he and I are forever doomed to be friends. Sigh
Well I'm hungry and didn't have a patient today. See you readers tomorrow
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
As the smoke begins to clear
So today has been a good day so far. I have really gotten back into the swing of getting up and coming to clinic again. Its nice to be back in school.
I have made the decision to take my boards on Jan 30th. I'm really excited and more prepared than ever for these. I will not fail. There isn't a question in my mind that I will not pass. This test is mine.
My heart is slowly healing. I think of him daily. I actually found myself wanting to text him and say hi...but the risk of him not texting me back is too high. I'm getting closer to another person right now. He's always been there for me, holding me when things go wrong, telling me it would be ok. Plus He's in love with me the way I am. He knows all my good and bad qualities and he still loves me like no man ever has. I've always loved Him, but now I'm falling in love with Him.
I have made the decision to take my boards on Jan 30th. I'm really excited and more prepared than ever for these. I will not fail. There isn't a question in my mind that I will not pass. This test is mine.
My heart is slowly healing. I think of him daily. I actually found myself wanting to text him and say hi...but the risk of him not texting me back is too high. I'm getting closer to another person right now. He's always been there for me, holding me when things go wrong, telling me it would be ok. Plus He's in love with me the way I am. He knows all my good and bad qualities and he still loves me like no man ever has. I've always loved Him, but now I'm falling in love with Him.
Monday, January 5, 2009
When it all falls down
Not many people read this blog. For that reason I feel that it is a safe place for me to vent my feelings of the recent events in my life.
Concerning my ex....I don't know what to feel. I'm angry for him leaving me, again, after he said he wouldn't. I mean damn, I could take the truth. On Christmas I gave him an out, I asked if he could deal with me and all the things that go on in my life. He said yes and then he left me. Do you know how hard it is for somebody to place their heart in the hands of another person. I don't think I'll ever love that hard again and if I miss out because of it, oh fucking well.
I miss him though. I've been spending the past 2 hours trying not to cry. I haven't cried since the night he left, but I'm real close right now. If only I weren't at clinic right now. I'd love to just be laying on my couch, curled up with my cats and watching the pointless Discovery Health programs (because I don't have cable and that's the only interesting channel I have). I miss my old life. I miss having a healthy mom, a boyfriend that loves me, and confidence in my abilities to pass this board exam.
Now mom's a shell of herself, I'm in love and furious with my best friend, and I am hopeful (not confident) that I will pass my boards. Life's so hard right now.
Concerning my ex....I don't know what to feel. I'm angry for him leaving me, again, after he said he wouldn't. I mean damn, I could take the truth. On Christmas I gave him an out, I asked if he could deal with me and all the things that go on in my life. He said yes and then he left me. Do you know how hard it is for somebody to place their heart in the hands of another person. I don't think I'll ever love that hard again and if I miss out because of it, oh fucking well.
I miss him though. I've been spending the past 2 hours trying not to cry. I haven't cried since the night he left, but I'm real close right now. If only I weren't at clinic right now. I'd love to just be laying on my couch, curled up with my cats and watching the pointless Discovery Health programs (because I don't have cable and that's the only interesting channel I have). I miss my old life. I miss having a healthy mom, a boyfriend that loves me, and confidence in my abilities to pass this board exam.
Now mom's a shell of herself, I'm in love and furious with my best friend, and I am hopeful (not confident) that I will pass my boards. Life's so hard right now.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
2009 can't begin until....
So....
In my latest note I explained how my boyfriend of 2 years and I aren't together any more. The thing is...48 hours before the break up he told me he had no intensions of leaving me. Liar. That's the part that hurts most. If it wasn't gonna work he could have just said that. I can do without it....he just didn't have to lie to me
that's what hurts so
that's what I have to let go
In my latest note I explained how my boyfriend of 2 years and I aren't together any more. The thing is...48 hours before the break up he told me he had no intensions of leaving me. Liar. That's the part that hurts most. If it wasn't gonna work he could have just said that. I can do without it....he just didn't have to lie to me
that's what hurts so
that's what I have to let go
Sunday, December 28, 2008
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