A vent

So over the past few days the man I'm in a relationship with has come to visit me. I can't be happier that he's here.... But last night he dropped a bomb on me. He told me that despite his wishes he will not be able to move in with me. 

Now.... You may be wondering why on earth is this upsetting. I am a traditional woman only in a few ways. One of which is to be married before I live with a man. However, my current boyfriend.... God knows I love him. And I want nothing more than to be with this man and grow old with him. So I let my guard down and allowed myself to get excited about having him with me. Then this happens. If anything I am scolding myself for getting my hopes up. He wants to work to be more financially stable, I get that. I support that. His money does not matter to me.... But it does to him. I see why some men get concerned when their woman is more successful than them. They feel a need to catch up. I also see why some women date men just as successful as they are.... So they don't have to slow down. I love this man and until I find out love isn't enough, I'm not going anywhere. 

Sunday night thoughts

I usually spend Sunday nights watching tv or studying. Tonight is no different. Weekends go by so freaking quick. All the time. Then Monday arrives and time moves backwards. I really can't wait to see my boyfriend again. Usually weeks to months go by, each set of time it gets more and more difficult. I don't even know when I'll see him again. Hopefully soon cause I really miss him

I've been studying for boards. I'm sick to death of it. November 8 is the test day. I gotta pass. I need this for my career and more importantly for myself.  

Alone

Every since the death of my mother, I have been alone. And I didn't  like it, but I got used to it. It's what makes weekends on the couch saying and doing nothing so easy. Why I never felt the pressure to get married, only the annoying nagging sensation that I'm not supposed to marry because God did not make a person for me. It's what makes the thought of me possibly never being able to have kids bearable. Then by mistake, I found it. Presented to me in the package of a beautiful, brave, stubborn, southern man. I can't imagine a life without him by my side. My brain tells me that feeling this way about another person is not logical and will lead to pain. My heart says, "fuck you brain"...... Not too long ago I fucked up because I behaved as if I were still alone. He didn't leave. In fact he loved me harder because he coulda walked away but he stayed. If he ever reads this, I love you..... And because of you, I don't want to be alone anymore

Longer time

Time again has passed. Sorry if any one is still reading. The things in my life that have happened.... Man. Too many to write at once. There's personal and there's career and then the bitch in my head that causes my confidence to hit the floor. I try to sedate her fairly often but it doesn't always work. 

I have finished residency and I'm working in a small clinic in rural Arkansas. My job is awesome. The nurses are more than helpful. 

My love life flipped upside down, turned inside out and now I'm with ..... We'll call him B. He's been in my life since last December. Innocent friendship that turned into a person I don't see myself without him. 

My talks with myself are 50 shades of fucked up. I beat myself down. Criticize the lovely me I am. Ill get better.... After I stop hating me and write more 

Been over a year.....

Nobody is reading this anymore, so its just a way for me to vent. I think that this is like writing to an unknown best friend....one who just listens.....I think writing by month would work best

April 2010 - I finished up my last month of medical school. Bought a home in the city I now live in. It was a month preparing for my future and enjoying my last month as a student. There was a gala where a guy.....we'll call him W (not the president) came to visit me.....He was amazing the whole time. Helped me clean my home, we shared our first kiss.....it was awesome......I began to fall for this man by the time he left

May 2010 - graduation from medical school, traveled to new orelans, miami, and ....

June 2010 - to North carolina and saw W. Again....the act of just seeing this man.....damn I was falling in love with him by this time

July 2010 - residency began. many many hours of work

August - nov 2010 - The work continued, I found that I had less and less contact with W. A trip there in early November 2010 which resparked the flame for me.....and I begged him to communicate or else I'm not going to be there anymore.

Dec 2010 - Jan 2011 - worked christmas, began to plan for a vacation with W....one that would be in my favorite city....New Orleans during valentine's day

Feb 2011 - stood up on the trip.....relationship with W ended

More to come

Passed

Hello to all of you movers and shakers.

So this will be rather quick because I have a meeting in like a few minutes. But I did wanna go over a few things that have been going on.

I have since retaken both CK and CS and as of TODAY I found out I have passed them both!!!!

Mom's been dead 8 months and in some ways its getting easier, in some ways, the pain gets worse each day. April 9th would've been her birthday.

Dad is dating the woman he's been screwing around on my mom with for years. To say the least, she makes my blood boil.

Single....not looking for the one, but I am talking to some people

Hopefully I will be back soon to update you more!

The elevator

The wedding was just too much for her to handle....
The idea of being a bridesmaid in the wedding of the man
SHE wanted to marry turned her stomach
So she strayed away to the elevator and pushed the call button
The wedding party stood around outside, no doubt wondering where she was
She texted her fellow wedding party member
And informed her that the milk she put in her coffee
Had done some damage
The reply was and LOL and a take your time.
Ding.....The doors sweep open and she grabs
The billowing dress and climbs on board
As the door closes she turns her back and puts her head on the cool marble
"What the fuck was I thinking.....I must like pain"
She says to nobody...A few seconds pass before she realizes
She's not going up or down
Before she could rest the button with the number 20 on it
Ding....."Shit" she says and turns to meet who has interrupted her
Tranquility....and it was him..........She freezes
His eyes locked with hers as he steps on board
And pushes the button to send them to the 20th floor.....
Her hearts pounding, she'd been playing with the idea of telling him
What he already knew...
"I....." she starts....then stops.
He turns.....looks at her.....and hits the emergency stop button
In a moment he has closed the space between them from feet to inches
"I love you.....I've always loved you....." she breathes out finally
She backs away til she feels cold marble on her back
He remains silent, looking at her with eyes that would make
The Arctic Circle melt into a paradise
He moves so close to her that he can count her eyelashes
"....I love you......I miss you......" he says and seals his words
With a kiss that combined with a candle would light the flame
They've hidden for years
Suddenly her eyes snap open, pushes him away
Then pushes the emergency lock back into place
She turns to fix his tux and then pushes 20 then 1
The elevator slowly ascends then he speaks,
"Is this not what you want....."
She takes the deepest breath of her life and turns to him,
"Sex isn't enough.....hearing you say you love me isn't doing either one of us any good"
He runs his fingers through his dreds and looks at her
"I thought you said you loved me"
Ding...the door the the 20th floor opens and she begins to walk out
She stops midway through the door
And without turning around she speaks
"I love you.....I love you enough to let you go."
He stands against the wall of the elevator as she begins to walk away
Shoulders straight, hair bouncing, heels clicking, dress swaying....
The doors begin to close leaving him to look in the shinny reflection of himself
And realizes for the first time
How much being in love sucks.