Whirlwind

Since my last post, things went crazy

I found out my loving wonderful boyfriend has been talking to other women online. Women he hasn't met in person or had sex with, but he's sent them photos and sexual videos. This lead to a fight. A big fight. One that left me in a state of paralysis and stupidity. I knew if it were one of my friends, I'd say to leave him. No questions asked, done deal, the end. But it's me, and honestly..... I really think he is sorry. Our argument replays in my head over and over. The woman he did the things with is very nice and didn't make a scene when she showed me evidence of his dealings. Right now, all I know is I love him. I want things to go back to the way they were. Do I wait around and risk being a fool again..... Or do I swallow my love and make a clean break

I gotta see this one through. I love him. 

A vent

So over the past few days the man I'm in a relationship with has come to visit me. I can't be happier that he's here.... But last night he dropped a bomb on me. He told me that despite his wishes he will not be able to move in with me. 

Now.... You may be wondering why on earth is this upsetting. I am a traditional woman only in a few ways. One of which is to be married before I live with a man. However, my current boyfriend.... God knows I love him. And I want nothing more than to be with this man and grow old with him. So I let my guard down and allowed myself to get excited about having him with me. Then this happens. If anything I am scolding myself for getting my hopes up. He wants to work to be more financially stable, I get that. I support that. His money does not matter to me.... But it does to him. I see why some men get concerned when their woman is more successful than them. They feel a need to catch up. I also see why some women date men just as successful as they are.... So they don't have to slow down. I love this man and until I find out love isn't enough, I'm not going anywhere. 

Sunday night thoughts

I usually spend Sunday nights watching tv or studying. Tonight is no different. Weekends go by so freaking quick. All the time. Then Monday arrives and time moves backwards. I really can't wait to see my boyfriend again. Usually weeks to months go by, each set of time it gets more and more difficult. I don't even know when I'll see him again. Hopefully soon cause I really miss him

I've been studying for boards. I'm sick to death of it. November 8 is the test day. I gotta pass. I need this for my career and more importantly for myself.  

Alone

Every since the death of my mother, I have been alone. And I didn't  like it, but I got used to it. It's what makes weekends on the couch saying and doing nothing so easy. Why I never felt the pressure to get married, only the annoying nagging sensation that I'm not supposed to marry because God did not make a person for me. It's what makes the thought of me possibly never being able to have kids bearable. Then by mistake, I found it. Presented to me in the package of a beautiful, brave, stubborn, southern man. I can't imagine a life without him by my side. My brain tells me that feeling this way about another person is not logical and will lead to pain. My heart says, "fuck you brain"...... Not too long ago I fucked up because I behaved as if I were still alone. He didn't leave. In fact he loved me harder because he coulda walked away but he stayed. If he ever reads this, I love you..... And because of you, I don't want to be alone anymore

Longer time

Time again has passed. Sorry if any one is still reading. The things in my life that have happened.... Man. Too many to write at once. There's personal and there's career and then the bitch in my head that causes my confidence to hit the floor. I try to sedate her fairly often but it doesn't always work. 

I have finished residency and I'm working in a small clinic in rural Arkansas. My job is awesome. The nurses are more than helpful. 

My love life flipped upside down, turned inside out and now I'm with ..... We'll call him B. He's been in my life since last December. Innocent friendship that turned into a person I don't see myself without him. 

My talks with myself are 50 shades of fucked up. I beat myself down. Criticize the lovely me I am. Ill get better.... After I stop hating me and write more