Thursday, January 22, 2009

one week to go

So I'm a week out from my final time taking my boards. I know I got this. I know I will pass but I have to block out all these negative feeling from me for just one more week. Then , my 2 faithful readers, the poetry and stories will flow from my fingertips onto this lovely blogging device.

Til then. Please pray for me

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

My exile from my life

So I what sitting around yesterday thinking about how much I hated my life. I mean within the last month, I lost a brother, the man I thought I would marry, my best friend has stopped talking to me...I just really really felt sorry for myself. Ate some french fries and went to sleep.

Woke up today, feeling alot better. Had an explaination for almost everything....

Ahmad was an awesome person, but his time was cut short b/c of pain. Pain I wished he would have shared instead of letting eat him alive. I miss him. I know he and I didn't spend as much time together as I would have liked. I know he's gonna be watchin over me. I miss him alot already.

As far as my was, wonderful, while it lasted. All good things have to come to an end and the sand in our hour glass ran out. I do wish him well and maybe in the future we can be civil. But right now, having him gone is the best thing for me.

S is my best friend. We've been buddies since I was 12 and now she just refuses to talk to me. She says there is no way one person can have such bad luck. I dunno what planet she's on or from but I want her to come back to earth.

D and I had a great weekend. We watched movies and just hung out. Had a wonderful time....then he told me how much he loved me. Truthfully, I love him back. Not romantically, but if I let myself, I would. I'm just not ready. Not ready to be tied down, not ready to love or be loved.

8 days til the step....

Friday, January 16, 2009

Soooooo sleepy

Morning yall,

So I'm here at clinic and I'm tired as hell. I dunno why. I got plenty of sleep last night, i'm just really groggy. I drunk my daily dose of coffee and ate some oatmeal but to no avail I'm still sitting here half sleep thinking about ....well

D wants to ride home with me. His people live in the same place as mine. I told him I didn't care. He'll have a nice soft couch to sleep on. Am I wrong for that? I really enjoy D as a friend and I do not want to lead him on. So putting him on the couch is a good idea....right?

E still being ghost. I try to tell myself over and over again that he isn't avoiding me, this is just how he is. I mean, if we went about a month and I didn't text him...he'd be blowing up my phone trying to see if I'm ok. I know he likes me...he's actually said the words I like you to me recently. I just wish he were not so controlled with his emotions. But maybe I should take a que from him and disconnect myself. I'll try to not text him for a while....try......

Well its time for rounds....yawn........and I got 7 patients. Shoot me now


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Looking to Him for forgiveness

Well, now about 48 hours has passed since my erruption of anger and now I kinda feel bad about it. Not b/c I think I hurt his feelings, I really don't care about that. I'm feeling bad b/c I let myself get to that point of anger. I think today after work I'm going to take the post down. Even though he can't see it, I don't think it should be up there.

So....E is back to his self. He's not good with emotions or communications sometimes. Also, he's a 2nd year medical student, so its not like he's got all the time in the world to talk about shit. I do miss him, as my friend. I guess we'll speak soon. And no....he isn't a reader of this blog.

M is upset with me. I'm really not too fucked up about it, but I just wanna keep yall updated.

A guy I haven't mentioned, D, he wants to go out. He knows I'm not into the whole finding a new boo thing. We'll see how that goes.

Guess I need to go get my patients. Cyall later.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

My immaturity came out


So last night I found out that my ex not only wasn't goin to return my things....but he threw them out. I was mad. In fact I was so mad that I let my immaturity come out and acted like him and wrote a rather mean piece about him. Something I didn't tell yall is that we made a I'm not pregnant anymore. Don't judge me.

So I went off and now alot of people on facebook are "concerned" about me. As many people didn't know that we were together didn't know we'd broken up. Everyone's freakin out.

For the record...fuck him.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The good, the bad and the ugly

The good, E called last night. I mean, he and I talk alot anyway, but now when he calls, I find myself stubbling over my words and sounding a bit like an idoit. I really like him, I always have....guess I should stop that.

The bad: So its been about 2 1/2 weeks since my breakup and I want my things back from my ex. Not gifts, but little tokens I gave him. I've asked him several times to send me my things back, nothing. Why hold on to something you don't need or want anymore. Backwards to me. Do I still have his shit....yeap. I'm still trying to decide what to do with it. Some of it will be burned. Some I might send back.....maybe I'll send the burned things back......hmm...heh heh

The ugly: My niece (who is older than me) has been married to a lazy shiftless, useless piece of a man for about 6 years. They have two kids together. He has an engineering degree, but does not work. He recently told her that he was going to leave her. I've never heard my niece cry before, but she was crying. I really wanna go over there and hem his lil ass up. But I don't need to go to jail for that....cause I might kill his ass.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Good morning

Hey readers,

I hope everyone had a good weekend. I certainly did. I got alot of rest and got to hang out with my two homies. I also got the money to pay my rent....although my refund check is STILL MIA. But at any rate, I feel good, no GREAT this morning.

I like this new feeling...happiness :)

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The talk with Him

So last night I cried. I cried for about 30 minutes over everything that's been going on lately. All the stressors and the pain had me in a depression like I haven't felt in months...hell if ever. I was gonna go to church last night, but I just laid on the couch and cried....

So after my crying was over I found myself drifting off to sleep. I woke up at 3 am with a crick in my neck so I went and got in my bed. I then woke up at 7:30 and talked to God. I told him all my pain, sorrow, anger, all of it. Then I just laid there, then he spoke. I don't know if any of yall ever heard God speak but lemme tell you it will freak you out. He told me that I didn't lose things, they were removed so I could reach my potential. I was assured I'm on the right track and that He's there and will never leave me.

Do you know how much comfort that brings? I silently praised God yesterday for the blessings I received but I'm not gonna be silent anymore. God is the most amazing God ever. I woke up this morning and I had peace. PEACE....I usually don't recover from things like this so quick and to be honest, the wounds are still open. But I have peace with my purpose, peace with solitude, and peace within me that I'm a good person and God will never leave me alone.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

My day so far the surprise of many....including myself, I've chosen to give up sex until I feel I'm with a man who truly deserves it. I've had the feeling to do it for months, but I thought I had found my husband so I thought it was ok. Apparently not...So since I'm alone I figured no better time than the present...

So why have all of these guys come out of the wood works trying to have sex with me?

One guy, we'll call him A, used to kick it with me for a while. I was pretty stupid for him. He didn't live in town so I would drive to see him, we'd fuck, and I'd go home. At the end of the day I still wasn't his girl and he could do what he wanted. Now, 2 years later, he comes from whatever rock he's under and wants to "get together". Ok, first off, there has only been on instance since we met that sex did not happen, so I know he just wants to fuck. I told him about my promise to myself to which he replied "I see." So...I'm reading his text, laughing, and then ask him where will he meet me at. That threw him off because I used to just go pick him up and we'd go wherever and then I'd take him back. He said he'd get back to me and I informed him that he should tell me by 3 or else I'll assume he's busy. He got MAD. LOL. All up in his lil feelings. So he's mad and I'm laughin....

The next guy, M, and I haven't messed around for years, almost 4 years. In short, he's a whore. Once I found out he was a whore, I took my genitals outta harms way. In the past 4 years, he's gotten and given STDs, made a child, and is now STILL in college. You may be thinking....why the fuck did Yolanda fuck that?!?? The answer is I was lonely. Anyway we lost contact and now he's back, nasty as ever and he wants me to drive to his house and spend the weekend with him. I told him about my commitment and he was like, "Well if you get here and change your mind, its cool with me.." LOL, LMBAO. This negro is serious. Like for real! sigh.....

The last guy is cool. E. I've known him for about 4 years. We've never dated b/c of distance. He's in medical school but he's not in my class. Like me he's not having sex until he's in a committed relationship. Dream guy....but he and I are forever doomed to be friends. Sigh

Well I'm hungry and didn't have a patient today. See you readers tomorrow

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

As the smoke begins to clear

So today has been a good day so far. I have really gotten back into the swing of getting up and coming to clinic again. Its nice to be back in school.

I have made the decision to take my boards on Jan 30th. I'm really excited and more prepared than ever for these. I will not fail. There isn't a question in my mind that I will not pass. This test is mine.

My heart is slowly healing. I think of him daily. I actually found myself wanting to text him and say hi...but the risk of him not texting me back is too high. I'm getting closer to another person right now. He's always been there for me, holding me when things go wrong, telling me it would be ok. Plus He's in love with me the way I am. He knows all my good and bad qualities and he still loves me like no man ever has. I've always loved Him, but now I'm falling in love with Him.

Monday, January 5, 2009

When it all falls down

Not many people read this blog. For that reason I feel that it is a safe place for me to vent my feelings of the recent events in my life.

Concerning my ex....I don't know what to feel. I'm angry for him leaving me, again, after he said he wouldn't. I mean damn, I could take the truth. On Christmas I gave him an out, I asked if he could deal with me and all the things that go on in my life. He said yes and then he left me. Do you know how hard it is for somebody to place their heart in the hands of another person. I don't think I'll ever love that hard again and if I miss out because of it, oh fucking well.

I miss him though. I've been spending the past 2 hours trying not to cry. I haven't cried since the night he left, but I'm real close right now. If only I weren't at clinic right now. I'd love to just be laying on my couch, curled up with my cats and watching the pointless Discovery Health programs (because I don't have cable and that's the only interesting channel I have). I miss my old life. I miss having a healthy mom, a boyfriend that loves me, and confidence in my abilities to pass this board exam.

Now mom's a shell of herself, I'm in love and furious with my best friend, and I am hopeful (not confident) that I will pass my boards. Life's so hard right now.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

2009 can't begin until....

In my latest note I explained how my boyfriend of 2 years and I aren't together any more. The thing is...48 hours before the break up he told me he had no intensions of leaving me. Liar. That's the part that hurts most. If it wasn't gonna work he could have just said that. I can do without it....he just didn't have to lie to me

that's what hurts so

that's what I have to let go