The update....again

Soooooooooo....I know its been a while. Let's see where to start.

Mama is slowing down little by little. She's very skinny and can't even lift cups full of water. She's still got her spirit and her smile. Those things keep me going. Hell I have to hold onto something. I really feel like my world is literally falling apart around me. The pain, if I allowed myself to feel it, would probably kill me.

There's this girl. We'll call her F. F and I had been talking casually since Jan. of this year. We never got together because she seemed to make excuse after excuse for not wanting to get together with me. Well recently, she calls and texts me almost daily. She's cool as a friend, but that's it......but she is fine.

O and I are still talking. I don't know how to describe what we have. Definitely a strong friendship but our feelings are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past friends. I think of him all the time. For the last week its been raining everynight and I just hug my pillow and wish it were him...I am so scared because with school and residency search and mama being sick and .....well you get the point....I'm not the most emotionally stable woman on earth. I don't want to drag him into my sick sad world, get used to him being there, and then he leaves when things get difficult.

I'm gonna fall for him if I'm not more careful.....

The unexpected....

So.....I'm into O. Alot. I've gone down to visit to his house and its just so comfy to me. His couch is wonderful and when we both lay on it....its heaven. I didn't wanna leave. From the meal we shared at the KKK burger joint to the unexpected trip to the top of a mountain....My weekend was unexpectedly beautiful...

been a while...few changes

Hey folks....

Sorry I've been gone so long. Alot has been going on.....

First, my mother's cancer has returned and it has spread through her body. Its affecting her thought processes and the things she says. She's so skinny....its tough to be at home with her. I mean, there are family members there.....but I don't feel comfortable. I miss my mama.....I am holding it together....but only by a string.

D and I had a come to Jesus talk and we've decided that it is best if we let each other heal. Its not gonna work for me or him....we're still friends...

I remeet a guy. We'll call him O. O and I met years and years ago. We lost touch and then reconnected. I really enjoy talking to him....admittedly more than I thought I would. I think he's one of the coolest guys I've conversated with in a long time....I just had to open up a bit and allow him in. Granted, I'm still closed...but we've shared a kiss.....several.....and all of them were.....whew.......

Tomorrow I hit Mexico. Pray for me. More blogs later

Figured I'd use a happy color. I PASSED MY BOARDS GOOOOOOOO MEEEEEEEEEEEE

Now that I got that outta my system...I texted my ex and told him that I passed. He congradulated me. I shoulda said, "I passed without your useless ass you son of a bitch."....but I didn't

D and I spent valentine day together. I cooked dinner and he brought movies and flowers. Dinner was awesome and the movie we watched was sooooooo good. Then I got sooooo sleepy....sleep by 10. Lame huh? Well he just held me the whole night. Woke up in his arms, kissed his cheek and went back to sleep for a while. It was a good one....still think the holiday is useless though.

E has explained to me that he is just going through alot right now and that the way he handles it is by shutting himself off. I can only accept that, but it don't make things any better. I'm still upset with him.

I'm bout half sleep in clinic. I really need to take a nap....just not on my patients...

ttyl

Sorry about cutting yall off in the middle of a blog....lemme see if I can fill in the spots...

Still waiting for my board score. I think I passed. I know I did. I put alot of effort and time into studying and I don't believe all of this was in vain. I know I passed.

My ex and I are astranged from one another and that is just fine with me. I wish him the most decent life possible. I still need to do something with his stuff. I'm either gonna burn it, throw it out, or give it away. I'm thinking the latter.

E and I are into it. He said I crowd him too much...although I haven't made any attempts on contacting him. I know he's a second year and from experience sometimes you just don't wanna be around anyone but yourself and your class mates.....don't mean that your friends deserve to feel like shit. Anyway, I deleted his number a week or so ago. Told him its up to him to contact me and left it at that.

D and I are spending valentine's day together. My plan is to cook for him. Probably will make steak and potatoes with some type of veggie and dessert. I look forward to it....but valentine's day is still a pointless holiday.

M is mad at me. He actually stopped talking to me again. LOL I just turn em on and off like lights huh. Oh well...his loss

I went on a blind date and it was absolutely awful. I haven't called him and vice versa. I'm really happy that we both didn't see potential in the other.

I really wanna like my life and be happy right now. I'm kinda scared because all the times in the past when I've been really happy, the earth gets snatched from under me and I go spiraling down. Hopefully it won't happen this time.

Ok gonna go round now. ttyl and thanks for reading.

Eggs, Weddings, and Clinic

I know, interesting title....

So I went this drug rep's presentation on this cholesterol medicine. He has this breakfast wrap thing w/o pork in it so I got one. Although it was very tasty, I'm now sitting here trying to not pass out in this chair. I just need to sleep more....

I had a dream about a wedding. I don't think it is my own, but somehow my ex creeped his way into my head. You know, at times I think I hate him. I really want to cuss him out but I've been silent. I really really dislike him and I wish I could be mature and say that I wish him well but I don't. Just can't be grown up right now.

E has disappeared. I sent him a text a while back and asked if he missed me. We haven't spoken on the phone since new year's day. Apparently I am crowding him.....

oops, we're rounding. more info later

Chillin in the clinic

Hey folks,
Sorry I've been away for so long. 24 hours before my board exam, my internet died. I'm still waiting to get access to it again so I am internetless....if that is a word. Anywho....

I think the test went well. My results will be back within a month or so. I really feel like I passed and when I do, its gonna be great. I celebrated a bit early and got SHIT faced last friday. I think I pissed off some of my classmates b/c I ended up making a very large fool of myself. Yeah...it was bad. I think my friends aren't gonna hang out with me again....

So my valentine's day actually has plans. I am going to be cooking dinner for somebody. I asked for some opinions and apparently everyone thinks steak is the way to go. I don't think my date eats their steak undercooked so I am just gonna have to learn how to cook a well done steak. Oh if you're wondering, I eat mine medium. :) MMMMM raw meat :)

I wrote my ex an email. Not a long one, just one letting him go. I was polite and I'm really happy with what I said. He didn't respond to me and that's ok. I didn't write it for him. I wrote it for me.

Well I'm gonna go home in a sec. All my notes are taken care of and I'm just sitting here typing and looking at my two classmates, Drew and Jack....

CHINESE BOGOTA!!!